


Baby, Can You See Through The Tears?

by heartlessleostar



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drug Abuse, Dubious Consent, LeoHyuk, M/M, Minor Violence, Modern AU, References to Depression, everyone is sad and/or fucked up, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 13:14:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12410979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartlessleostar/pseuds/heartlessleostar
Summary: Taekwoon had known and accepted that he had been a fuck-up ever since he was born.(Title is from Bastille's "Requiem for Blue Jeans")





	Baby, Can You See Through The Tears?

Taekwoon had known and accepted that he had been a fuck-up ever since he was born. His mother had successfully pushed out and raised not one, not two, but three gorgeous girls with happy smiles and thick, flowing hair, only to be let down by the unlucky fourth. He remembers coming home from play time one day, hearing the hushed tones of his mother's voice wafting from her bedroom.

_"I guess I should be lucky that he's a pretty one."_

He was all of four years old, and he still recalls the resigned tone, regretful and disappointed. He remembers staring at his face in the mirror at age six, examining his tapered face, soft cheeks and narrow eyes, mumbling the words “pretty” over and over again until he finally believed in the word. 

He recalls his noonas teasing him, pulling his cheeks and cooing over him. He remembers them tying his hair into small pig-tails, the sounds of happy laughter, the swish of a brush and spray of perfume; the perfect play-doll. 

He recalls his first kiss at age fourteen, the scrapping of teeth and rushed apologies for her split lip amidst all the nerves, his soft voice unconsciously softening even further until it was merely a whisper. He remembers convincing himself that maybe he’ll feel more into it next time.

He remembers his noonas moaning over him growing up, wistfully sighing over lost baby fat, and chiding his new-found poker faces and non-reactions. He stayed mute through most of it with his head down until he was forced to apologize. 

_“I will do better.”_  
_“I will try my best.”_  
_“I’m sorry.”_

He remembers his first break-up, a month after his first kiss, a dulling sense of numbness spreading through his veins. He remembers the fond stares of girls and staring back with a blank expression. He remembers finding his first love in the form of football and immersing himself into the sport entirely. He remembers his first arousal in the boys' locker room, peeping at the ripples of forearms, the abs of some of his hyungs behind his locker door. He remembers his eyes trailing further down and rushing home in embarrassment. He remembers the hushed whispers through the school corridor, through the football locker-room and through the school lawns as he passed by.

He remembers the blank expression slowly taking permanent residence on his face.

\---

Taekwoon stares at Sanghyuk with narrowed eyes, his heart violently thrashing against his chest. He feels like he's just run a marathon, only without the sweet relief and satisfaction that comes with it. He’s tried being patient, tried being sympathetic, but he’s at the end of his tether, and the mental exhaustion and grief hangs heavy inside him.

He runs a hand through his sticky hair, letting out a frustrated sigh while the younger rants hotly before him.

"...and I've told you before, it's not a big deal. He doesn't have anywhere else to go. He has no one else but me, hyung. How could I dream of letting him struggle alone?"

"And I've told you before, countless times, that he's dangerous. I warned you against associating with such kind of people, and-"

"He's been my best friend for fifteen years, don't talk about him like that" Sanghyuk snarls.

Taekwoon’s eyes twitch and he tries not to feel like he's just been slapped. "People change, okay? I get that he's going through some shit and it sucks, believe me, I get it… but _this_?" He holds up the crumpled quarter gram baggie, which contains the faint remnants of the white substance. He can't quite keep his voice from cracking as he speaks next.

"You're not helping Hongbin. You're just making it worse for the two of you. I saw-"

"You saw what, exactly?" Sanghyuk says, face livid.

"I saw, I know what I saw, you were both-" 

The images flash across his mind, the pain still fresh. The bottles of absinthe and cigarette packs strewn across Sanghyuk's living room, the muffled sounds coming from the bathroom, the door left ajar. Hongbin laughing at some joke Sanghyuk had cracked, the white powder rising and mingling with the air as his hand clumsily slammed down on the tabletop. Hongbin reaching up to brush some out of his hair, their faces inching closer and closer.

Taekwoon chokes back a sob and it takes all of him to keep from swaying and falling to the floor.

"I saw enough to know the effect he's having on you. It's toxic, and you know it. I thought you were better than this.“

Sanghyuk grabs him by collar and his hands ball into tight fists, laughing without humour when Taekwoon yelps. “Toxic? The guy who fucked _and_ fucked over a seventeen year old minor has the audacity to tell me what's toxic and what's not?"

Taekwoon feels his blood run cold. He tries to speak, but the words come out in sputters, and that’s when Sanghyuk starts shaking him roughly.

\---

“Taekwoon-ah.”

Taekwoon had been eating, mostly playing around with his food, sitting at a lone table during his lunch break. He looked up from his tray with wide eyes as the captain of his soccer team slid smoothly into the seat opposite him.

Jaeha smiled warmly while Taekwoon gazed back, dumbfounded.

“Er, mind if I joined you for lunch?” he asked expectantly, pulling out two bananas and an apple from his bag. 

“S-sure, hyung” Taekwoon half-whispered. He looked around, and a group of girls immediately turned away as well.

“Ignore them, they don’t have anything better to do.” Jaeha said as he took a bite of his apple, looking thoughtfully at Taekwoon.

A hot flush began to creep up Taekwoon’s neck and he suddenly didn’t know what to do with his sweaty palms. He dropped his chopsticks on the plate with shaky hands and wiped them quickly across his uniform, keeping his head bent down.

“You’re kind of cute when you get flustered” Jaeha let out a small laugh. Taekwoon looked up to see a faint shade of pink dusting the elder’s cheeks as he smiled. To keep his eyes from bulging out of its sockets, he immediately looked back down and shoveled food into his mouth, taking deep breaths.

“Hey, um, I don’t mean to be too forward or anything, but do you have any plans after football practice?”

Taekwoon’s necked snapped up yet again and he was sure he was going to get a crick at this rate. He swallowed hastily and bit out, “No, hyung…er, why?”

Jaeha smiled again, the kind that lit up his light brown eyes and made him seem even warmer than possible. “Well, we should hang out. I’ve been seeing you busting your ass everyday on the field, you deserve a break.”

Taekwoon found himself nodding even before he’d finished his sentence. “Yes, hyung, thank you.”

Jaeha’s eyes widened, “Such a weird kid, why are you thanking me? Just wait for me in the locker room after practice, okay?” He made to get up, and pointed a banana accusingly at Taekwoon. “You better like bubble tea, or else.” He mimed slitting his throat with the fruit, and immediately laughed out loud in embarrassment.

Taekwoon smiled awkwardly a moment too late, barring his teeth into a grin and nodding, watching as Jaeha walked away and ignoring the eyes trained upon him.

\---

“Sanghyuk, stop, please-“

“I didn’t ask you to keep coming back into my life, dammit. I didn’t ask for this. You fucked me up, it was all _you_.”

Taekwoon grabs Sanghyuk’s forearms to keep from toppling over. “Hyogi, wait, I’m sorr-“

The next thing Taekwoon knows is that he’s being sent flying backward, crashing hard into the wooden coffee table. His knees tremble violently and he feels warmth pooling at the back of his head from where it snapped back onto the table. He blinks through a haze of moisture and sees Sanghyuk staring down at him with unreadable eyes.

“I’m sorry. Hyung is so sorry, please, Hyogi, p-please…” he gasps. He tries to sit up, his sore thighs shaking in the effort. He lets a pained whine escape his lips when he finally gets to his knees. 

In a flash, Sanghyuk’s there, wrapping an arm around his waist and carefully hoisting him up, setting him down on the couch, and then rushing to the next room. Taekwoon looks around, dazed, and tries not to focus on the stinging pain jabbing into his head. 

Sanghyuk approaches from behind, footfalls light, and Taekwoon quietly gasps when a washcloth is pressed against the back of his head. He struggles not to cry out, and bites back his whimpers when he sees the blood-stained cloth.

Sanghyuk goes to rinse it, but not before Taekwoon catches the look on his face. He expected shock, worry or even regret. All he sees is the absence of any semblance of remorse.

Taekwoon hears the starting of a faucet and the rush of water, and Sanghyuk’s muffled voice floats over to him.

“Really hyung, look what you made me do. Now I’m going to have to take you to the hospital and say that you tripped. Aish, all this effort for nothing.” He hears him chuckle without humour, and Taekwoon shrinks into himself even further.

He grabs his phone and car keys and thrusts them into his pocket with trembling hands. Without bothering to think twice, he yanks open the front door and stumbles out of Sanghyuk’s apartment. 

\---

“Mhmm, h-hyung…”

“Enjoying this a bit too much, eh?”

Taekwoon couldn’t remember how exactly he got there, laying down on Jaeha’s bed. All he knew was that there was bubble tea mixed with whiskey from Jaeha’s father’s flask. There was a lot of flirting and knee grazing at the tea-shop, which somehow lead to more heavy-touching in the dark confines of Jaeha’s bedroom. 

“Tell me it feels good.”

“It, it feels…oh..” 

Taekwoon’s words were stuttered as Jaeha expertly worked his fingers over his length. He’d never known any other sensations aside from his own sloppy hand, and to have his very attractive, very capable captain’s hands on him felt like bliss. His entire face and neck were dotted with sweat, his hips were buckling wildly, and a steady stream of profanities were flowing from his pink, swollen lips.

“Oh Taekwoonie~ look at you, so beautiful” Jaeha crooned, getting down and discarding Taekwoon’s pants entirely. He touched the tip against his tongue experimentally, and Taekwoon was sure he was about to pass out. It was getting slightly too overwhelming for him, and he really couldn’t help it when his orgasm hit him like a freight train. 

_I’m sorry, I couldn't do better. I’m sorry._

“Hyung, I’m gonna..aahh…”

Jaeha smiled after he swallowed, wiping away a bit of cum off the corner of his lips.

“Goddamn. That was quick.” He laughed a tinkling laugh. “A bit too quick for my taste, unfortunately.”

Taekwoon panted heavily, his face flaming red in embarrassment. “J-Jaeha hyung, I’m so sorry. Really.”

Jaeha just shook his head. “You wouldn’t have known. It’s your first time, isn’t it?”

Taekwoon simply nodded, his heart sinking heavily like lead. He looked down, eyes watering reflexively.

_I fucked up. Again._

“You can make it up to me, though.”

Taekwoon stared up at him with glistening eyes.

“Don’t you want to please your hyung? Your hyung who did so much to make you feel good?” his voice crooned in a way Taekwoon had never heard before. It fired up something deep in his abdomen and he found himself craving more.

“Y-yes, always. I mean, yes. Please. Anything.” he spluttered, feeling his cock stir against his own volition. 

“Lie on your back for me, Taekwoonie, let’s see what hyung is working with. “

\--- 

_“Hello. Your favourite life-long chingu here. Got done with dance practise early so was wondering if you wanted to grab some coffee? Call me!”_

_“Are you with Sanghyuk? I hope he’s doing okay, I mean, as okay as he can be. Text me soon. If you’re busy then I’ll head home, so let me know ASAP."_

_“Taekwoon. Taekwoon. Goddammit pick up or I will come and neck chop you myself. Where are you? I’m worried.”_

_“Hey, it’s me again. If you were peeing or something, then, um, sorry. I panicked? Whatever, just call me when you get these.”_

_“Jung Taekwoon-ssi, it’s been hours. I’m coming over.”_

Taekwoon’s phone goes silent as the last of Hakyeon’s voicemail plays out. He throws his phone back on his couch. His fingers drum silently on his other arm, an incessant itch that won’t go away. He breathes deeply and waits, shutting his eyes.

It’s quiet while Hakeyon finishes bandaging the back of his head. As he moves to get up, Taekwoon finally speaks.

“Sorry about missing your calls.” 

Taekwoon thinks he can’t sound more lifeless even if he tried.

Hakyeon just looks at him with a pitiable expression. “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to yourself.”

As he goes to put the scissors and rest of the bandage back, Taekwoon’s phone vibrates loudly on the couch. Taekwoon wearily checks the caller ID, and groans inwardly.

“If it’s him, pick it up. Tell him you’re with me. At least then you can be sure of him not coming over to check on you.” Hakeyon’s voice floats to him from the next room.

Taekwoon takes the call with shivering fingers and blood thrumming in his veins.

“Sanghyuk.”

“Taekwoon hyung, where the fuck did you go?”

“I… I came home. I forgot I had to meet Hakyeon and rushed back. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

_I’m sorry. I'm always so fucking sorry._

“Well, okay, I guess. How're you feeling? I hope Hakeyon hyung didn’t ask too many questions.”

_I feel like dying. Like drowning. I can’t breathe. My head feels numb and I wish I could never feel again._

“I’m fine, just got my head bandaged up. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

Taekwoon hears sounds of another person in the background.

“Is Hongbin there?”

“Yeah. He just came by to get some stuff and- hey, knock it off, hey-“

His voice is replaced by muffled laughter. Taekwoon feels his heart stutter.

When Sanghyuk comes back to the phone, both of them are breathless, for different reasons.

“Hongbin-hyung is being an ass. I gotta go take care of him. Talk later hyung, love you.”

And the line goes dead. As simple as that. As if their fight never even happened.

Taekwoon stares at the phone in his hand.

“What did he say? Did the little brat apologize?” Hakyeon demands.

Taekwoon stays quiet, the silence thudding in his ears, and that’s answer enough for his best friend.

Hakyeon just sighs and drops down on the couch, carefully pulling Taekwoon so that his head is resting in his lap. 

“You know what I’m gonna say.” He mutters, threading his hair slowly through Taekwoon’s dark, slightly matted locks.

Taekwoon grunts. He knows. He’s known for the past few years and has gotten nowhere close to acting upon it.

_Break up with him. End it. Save your goddamn self._

If only Taekwoon knew how.

\---

He slowly walked back home, limbs weak and limp. With every step, he could feel the sting, the raw ache of his ass, and he knew that he wouldn’t be forgetting what happened any time soon.

_“Won’t you be a good boy for hyung?”_

The sharp, crisp sound of each and every smack was fresh in his mind. 

_“Please, Jaeha hyung, no, please.”_

He tripped over a stone on the pavement and fumbled. He got back up and continued walking, tears streaking steadily down his cold face, his nose running and sobs building up.

_“I’m sorry hyung, I’m sorry, stop, please!”_

It hurt everywhere. He felt the guilt of it all wash over him. He wanted to get home and scrub his skin off so hard that he was nothing but bone, a figment of his former self and nothing more. He wanted to sleep and never wake up so that he’d never have to confront his parents or sisters about where he’d been. 

_I don’t want to exist anymore. I don't think I've wanted to, for a long time, now._

He wiped his nose and kept walking, blinking back the torrential downpour leaking from his eyes.

\---

“Hyuk-ah.”

“Mhmm?”

“Look at me.”

Sanghyuk looks up from his phone. Taekwoon notices his chat with Hongbin on the screen, and ignores it out of habit.

“D-Do you love me, still?” Taekwoon stammers, hands clammy.

Sanghyuk’s left eyebrow quirks in confusion. His eyes are underlined by heavy bags and his skin has grown paler than Taekwoon's. Taekwoon has long stopped being worried, long stopped trying to butt in, instead settling for wearily watching the kid's health deteriorate at an agonizingly slow pace. “Of course I do, you silly, pretty hyung.”

_"I guess I should be lucky that he's a pretty one."_

He goes back to texting Hongbin, and looks up after a couple of minutes. “Why’d you ask?”

Taekwoon's fingers curl inward, nails digging into the flesh of his palm, and breathes out. “Just…” he lets his voice drift, unable to come up with a decent reason.

Sanghyuk laughs. He leans forward for a kiss that used to leave Taekwoon breathless.

_I wish I could feel again._

“Stop thinking so much, hyung-ie. Let’s go to bed, yeah?”

Taekwoon finds himself tagging along with the younger boy in a haze, and can’t find it in himself to stop.

\---

_I will love you till the end of time, I would wait a million years._  
_Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine._  
_Baby, can you see through the tears._  
_Love you more, than those bitches before, say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember._  
_Baby, oh, I will love you till the end of time._


End file.
